Kill Brain Cells

I was walking by the local Jenny Craig facility when out walked “Captain Chaos” himself, Dom Deluise! He immediately recognized me from the show and wanted to shake my hand. He was gushing about our shows and told me that he never misses a one! He stated that he loves our show more than food (which I highly doubt). However, we exchanged 8X10 glossy promo photos and went our seperate ways.

Don’t over eat BITCHES!

Exclusive story by West Cost Myke:
I was driving by the Sizzler and there was this fat man wearing his fat hat (I snapped a photo) gorging on the shrimp plate. Turns out it was no one other than Dom DeLuise. We started talking about Blazing Saddles, Cannonball Run and Spaceballs, he kept talking about how the muppets and Burt Reynolds really screwed him over. Frankly he would not shut up. When I finally got to introduce myself, he told me he was a huge fan of Kill Brain Cells (how couldn’t he be, the guy weighs at least 350 pounds) and how his cook books actually kill brain cells too. We laughed and food kept falling out of his mouth. Then he got serious. He wanted to do that “lets jab our thumbs till we bleed and become blood brothers” I said sure but first I needed to take a leak. While he waited, I split out the back door. I’m not touching that dude, he might have the swine flu.
Thanks Dom!
-Read cook books and laugh like hell bitzches!

If you are not a hockey fan, start watching now and you will become one for sure.
Playoff hockey is the best sport period.

From redwings.nhl.com

DETROIT (AP) -Nicklas Lidstrom usually plays a subtle style of hockey appreciated most by coaches, players and die-hard fans.

The Detroit Red Wings defenseman’s latest performance, though, was so spectacular it impressed an opponent.

“Special player,” Anaheim coach Randy Carlyle said.

Lidstrom scored his second goal of the game with 49.1 seconds left and had an assist, lifting the Red Wings to a 3-2 win over the Ducks on Friday night in Game 1 of the Western Conference semifinal series.

“I just get so amazed how he performs out there in a big game like this, in the last minute like that,” teammate Jonathan Ericsson said. “He’s so calm out there. I guess the experience speaks for itself. I get goose bumps.”

Lidstrom is a finalist for the Norris Trophy. If he is honored as the NHL’s best defenseman for the seventh time, he’ll tie Doug Harvey’s total and pull within one of Bobby Orr’s record collection.

Despite turning 39 earlier this week, Lidstrom simply hasn’t lost a step.

He started the winning play behind his net, skated up the ice, shot and scored off the rebound.

“It came off my pad and he was there all alone,” Anaheim goalie Jonas Hiller said. “He was patient enough to wait until I moved.”

Lidstrom scored a go-ahead goal for the defending Stanley Cup champions in the second period.

He assisted on Johan Franzen’s goal that tied the game in the first following Detroit’s only deficit of the playoffs, drawing praise from his coach.

“He’s a talented player,” Detroit’s Mike Babcock said. “We’re lucky to have him.”

Chris Osgood had 22 saves to improve to 5-0 in this year’s playoffs.

Hiller stopped 34 shots for the Ducks, who got goals from Corey Perry and Teemu Selanne.

“I’m upset from the standpoint that I thought we missed an opportunity tonight,” Carlyle said.

Game 2 is Sunday in Detroit.

The last two Stanley Cup champions were evenly matched, but Detroit got the best of Anaheim in the final minute of a hotly contested game.

“It’s playoff hockey and there’s a lot of intensity out there,” Lidstrom said. “Both teams want to win real hard and that really comes out in a game like this.”

Since the NHL expanded in 1967, the defending champion and the previous Cup winner are meeting in the playoffs for the third time. The others were in 1991 when the Edmonton Oilers played the Calgary Flames, and in 1971 when the Montreal Canadiens faced the Boston Bruins.

Anaheim eliminated the Red Wings two years ago in the Western Conference finals en route to the title, and the fourth postseason matchup in a decade between the teams was intense.

The fifth got bloody early.

Ducks forward Mike Brown was ejected in the first period, appearing to land an elbow to the head of defenseless Jiri Hudler.

Brown, who insisted he hit Hudler with a shoulder and his visor cut him, hopes to play in Game 2.

“I don’t know if it’s necessary to get that suspension,” Brown said. “It was a clean hit.

“I wasn’t meaning to do any harm. I was just playing physical.”

The game was delayed briefly while Hudler was helped off the ice and blood was scraped off it. A towel was pressed against a big cut above Hudler’s left eye.

Detroit took advantage of the power play, tying the game on Franzen’s goal off Lidstrom’s assist.

Lidstrom gave Detroit a 2-1 lead early in the second period with a power-play goal off a slap shot.

But the Ducks didn’t go away. Selanne scored a power-play goal with 17 seconds left in the middle period.

The eighth-seeded Ducks were competitive in the third, playing four days after knocking off the top-seeded San Jose Sharks. Second-seeded Detroit was on the ice for the first time in more than a week.

Notes: Red Wings D Brian Rafalski was out with an upper-body injury and replaced by 47-year-old Chris Chelios, who played in his 261st playoff game and 24th postseason to extend his own records ahead of Patrick Roy (247) and Ray Bourque (21). … Detroit and the Ducks have both won two series against each other. The Red Wings eliminated Anaheim en route to the 1997 Cup and in 1999. … The Ducks beat Detroit in the 2003 playoffs with Babcock as their coach. … Babcock (72) and Carlyle (49) have the most playoff victories and highest winning percentages since 2003.

from ducks.nhl.com By Adam Brady (abrady@anaheimducks.com)

AnaheimDucks.com

ANAHEIM – Game, set and match.

It will be called an upset by most, but the Anaheim Ducks hardly looked the underdog in a 4-1 throttling of the San Jose Sharks in Game 6 of the Western Conference Quarterfinals in front of a raucous sellout crowd at Honda Center. The victory gave the Ducks a convincing 4-games-to-2 decision in the series, with Anaheim handing the Sharks possibly their biggest playoff disappointment in a line of many.
A 4-1 trouncing of the Sharks in Game 6 advanced the Ducks to the second round and handed San Jose another postseason disappointment.

The eighth-seeded Ducks took down the No. 1 Sharks, owners of the best record in the NHL this regular season. Anaheim because just the fifth team since 1967-68 to defeat the league’s best team in the first round.

“I think you ask anyone, we’re not an eight seed,” said defenseman Ryan Whitney. “Everyone in here knows that and I think now everyone hockey pretty much sees it too.”

And they did it with a Game 6 victory that resulted from an overwhelming effort over the final two periods led by three different goal-scorers and another fantastic performance by goalie Jonas Hiller. The Swiss netminder bounced back from his overtime loss in Game 5 to stonewall the Sharks with 36 stops, many of them highlight-worthy.

The Ducks continued a trend of shining in games where they can clinch a series. They’re 11-4 in their franchise’s history, including a 9-0 mark at Honda Center. This time it earned them a second round matchup with the Detroit Red Wings, who swept the Columbus Blue Jackets in the first round.

“It doesn’t matter who we’re playing or what seed we are in the playoffs, we consider ourselves a contender,” said Ryan Getzlaf, who had a standout game for Anaheim. “We felt that way right from the start. This is just the first round and we’ll move from here.

Anaheim broke the game open with two quick strikes well into the third period from Teemu Selanne and Francois Beauchemin. Torrey Mitchell went to the box for hooking 12:54 into the period and the Ducks converted just nine seconds later. Selanne gathered in a rebound and sent the puck on net from a sharp angle, and it kicked off defenseman Christian Ehrhoff into the net.

That made it 2-1 Ducks and Beauchemin gave his team a two-goal lead just 1:23 later, drilling a one-timer from the point that deflected off Sharks defenseman Dan Boyle on its way into the net. It was the first goal for Beauchemin since going down with an ACL injury back on Nov. 14.

Anaheim clinged to that two-goal lead for most of the third period, until Getzlaf effectively put the game away with 2:56 left. Drew Miller and Rob Niedermayer worked tirelessly to pin the puck in the corner of the San Jose end, before Niedermayer finally dug it out and sent it to Getzlaf in the slot. Getzlaf held the puck for a beat before firing a wrist shot past Sharks goalie Evgeni Nabokov.
Getzlaf bounced back from an early fight with Thornton to pick up an assist the the goal that put the game away.

The Ducks’ first goal of the game came courtesy of Corey Perry on the power play with 7:27 left in the opening period. After faking a shot from the point, Getzlaf sent it on net from straightaway. It rebounded chest-high off Nabokov and Perry batted it in.

That wiped out an early 1-0 San Jose lead that was staked a couple of minutes earlier when Milan Michalek chipped in a rebound off a Rob Blake shot from the point.

Tonight was the first game in the series where the team that scored first did not win.

“It was 1-1 after the first and we came out and had a great second,” said Whitney. “We beared down. I think this home crowd does a lot for us it seems. We struggled earlier before the playoffs at home. Right now, we’re rolling and feeding off this crowd. That was a big win.”

An extremely hard-hitting game got started that way right off the bat as big forwards Ryan Getzlaf and Joe Thornton dropped the gloves as soon as the puck touched the ice for the opening faceoff. The rest of the contest was marked by several skirmishes, including a fight between Ryan Whitney and Joe Pavelski that sprang out of a melee at the end of the second period. Each team had 12 penalties that totaled 30 minutes.

Getzlaf seemed to gain motivation from the fight much more than Thornton did. Getzlaf had an assist and a goal, while Thornton was scoreless with just one shot on net.

“It was something that was provoked a little bit last game where he challenged me,” Getzlaf said. “I didn’t really want to fight at that point when the series was 3-1. I didn’t want to give them any spark. I felt tonight that that was the opportunity to redeem myself and Joe wanted to go again to spark his team.”

The Ducks will face the No. 2 seed and defending champion Red Wings in the posteason for the fourth time in franchise history and the second time in the last three seasons. Anaheim defeated Detroit in the 2007 Western Conference Finals on the way to a Stanley Cup title.

“I don’t know if it’s ever good facing Detroit,” Carlyle said. “But we’re not focusing on Detroit right now. We’ll focus on that tomorrow.”

Earlier this evening, I was hanging around at a local “assisted living” community judging a shuffle board tournament/adult diaper changing competition; when Bea Arthur, star of the 80’s sitcom classic, “Golden Girls”, walked up to me and introduced herself. She told me how much she loved listening to Kill Brain Cells and sometimes would wet her “Depends” laughing at some of the funny posts on the site or listening to the shows. After being grossed out, I thanked her for her listenership and asked her to not tell me about her inability to not piss herself. However, with such a poorly rated show as ours, I guess we have to be thankful for every listener.

DO NOT BRAG ABOUT PISSING YOUR ADULT DIAPERS BITCHES!

I am the biggest Van Halen fan in the world. However, I have noticed on the Van Halen website there is a huge headline that reads, “EDDIE VAN HALEN LAUNCHES EVH BRAND SIGNATURE STRIPED SNEAKERS AVAILABLE ONLINE AT EVHGear.com AND IN STORES NOW.”

WTF? With selling shit like this; they are on track be worse than KISS hocking everything from toothbrushes to coffins. Eddie needs to stick to what he does best; playing the guitar like a god and making the best music ever.

What is next? EVH underwear or jock straps?

The most upsetting thing about this; is that I just ordered 4 pairs of the shoes for me and my family.

Don’t get sucked in like I did Bitches!!

Well my wife came through like a real champ again! She got us floor seats near the stage runway for the AC/DC concert in Grand Rapids in August. We will be riding the “Run Away Train” on the “Highway to Hell” to “Sin City”. I just hope we don’t get “Thunderstruck” or “Shot Down in Flames”. We definately will be rocking out!!! I hope to see all of you there!

If You Want Blood, You Got It Bitches!!!

I was at a local dance studio brushing up on my moon-walk when dancing superstar, Patrick Swayze, walked in. He was also there to work on his moon-walk. We got to talking and I told him about our show. He had never heard of it. However, I am confident he will soon be a fan!

Dance Bitches!!!

Well let me start out by saying that men should never have to vacuum in the 1st place. However, if a man has to, I recommend the Dyson Megasuck 5000. Obviously, this item would only be bought by a bachelor. No married man should be buying this. Not having to do any laundry, vacuuming, dishes or cleaning is why they got married in the first place.

SUCK IT UP BITCHES!

watch?v=2xPvYgTvr8I